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And we don't need direct experience to feel in certain ways. Our brains are programmed to empathise with others and how they feel(1). Feelings
are shown by the expression on our faces for it can be advantageous to know what another person is feeling. To know whether someone is pleased to see us or not and to sense what others are going
through without having to go through it our self can save a lot of pain. In mimicking the feelings of others we feel the same way as they do to some extent. Watching a
depressed relative may truly make us feel depressed.
With feelings, we feel something happening to our body: our heartbeat often speeds up, senses can sharpen or blur and we may get 'butterflies' in the tummy. But feelings
are not just about physiology, they also involve thoughts, experience, memories and associations. The meaning we give to our bodily sensations, a meaning that stems from
past experiences associated with those sensations, colours what we feel. A rapid heartbeat on a theme park ride may feel scary and exciting, but a faster heartbeat when
we are harshly criticised means a threat and it can come to be associated with fear more readily than excitement for many. The speeding heartbeat of those people with
anxiety-related problems, as it increases, can become an instant reminder of insecurity and fear, whatever the cause.
Most people who seek therapy do so because of feelings and emotions. Even if the main problem is one of incessant negative thinking, it's usually what we feel about the
thoughts and our inability to control them that hurts the most. How we feel about having an anxiety disorder or depression, or even illness for that matter, makes it
worse. Feelings and emotions are paramount.
We have feelings for a reason, even bad ones. When a person is nice to us we feel good, when someone is nasty to us we feel bad. Feeling bad tells us that we are in a state
of distress and we need to do something about it. And often we do: we may express anger appropriately or even fight if we have to and we can atone for guilty deeds. Problems
arise when bad feelings are not resolved and we still hold them inside.
It's as though feelings are a form of energy that need to be released and if not released they create a tension, a pressure inside us, until they are resolved. We see time and
time again, people reliving bad situations – those involving family confrontations, abusive partners and sexual abuse are common. We seem driven to relive painful situations until
we gain control and remove any potential threat.
It's as if our inner-self is telling us, "That painful situation wasn't resolved, you are still distressed, not in control and under threat. Go back and relive it again
and this time take control, resolve it and everything will be alright, the threat will have gone."
Feelings also shape our memories. With anxiety and depression problems we seem to remember the bad things more than the good. The greater the feelings and emotions involved in an event
the stronger the memories that are formed. And this makes sense: emotional events don't only provide greater chunks of information with which to form long-lasting memories, they also
affect us in various other ways and we need to remember them for the next time. When something makes us feel bad, strong memories of it (and the events and circumstances that surround it)
are formed, memories which, when recalled, bring back all of the associated emotions.
Of course, feelings aren't just about feeling bad. Feeling good reflects the joy of being alive. It relates to feelings of ease and contentment, being happy, safe and free from stress. And
we can take control of our feelings; we can make ourselves feel good. Experiments have shown that just reading different statements associated to emotions can affect our
feelings(2). However, this has to be done in the correct way; we cannot suddenly go from feeling terrible most of the time to feeling
great, just as we cannot go from being totally unfit to supreme fitness in one leap. For now, it is enough to realise that feelings can be resolved and changed – think about
something you have seen in real life, or on television, or have read that was really really funny. Imagine it as strongly as you can... how do you feel?
Feelings are vitally important to our survival; they reflect our inner-self's assessment of what is happening to us (or what may happen), irrespective of the actual, in-the-moment physical
reality in the world around us.
Feelings explain how a painfully thin anorexic girl can look in the mirror and see herself as fat; they are the reason the obsessive-compulsive person can lock a door, turn
away from it and have to turn back and re-check it is locked... turn away from it again and have to turn back and check it again... turn away and back again... and do this again
and again and again. In both of these cases, based on previous life experiences and what we feel, our inner-self is only trying to protect us. But just what is this inner-self?
...
Excerpt from: Evolving Self Confidence: How to Become Free From Anxiety Disorders and
Depression ›› More Details
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